Who I am is a question I've been asking for a very long time. Since my brother Ryan died I have struggled with trying to understand that I am not, and never will be, Ryan incarnate. I can't. I'm not programmed the same way he was. so why did I try so hard to pull it off? I don't know. And I might not ever now the exact reason. One thing I am now secure in. My identity.
I am a child of God. Yes, he is my Lord and I will serve him. But he is also a kind loving Father who adopted me into His family.
When I first came to YWAM I knew who I wanted to be. So I took this as an opportunity to change into him. I knew what Jake I thought was cool. But he wasn't me. And so off came the mask, and I began to enjoy who I was again. I had thought that moving across the country would give me a chance to change. But the change comes when you change, not when you move.
I spent the last three months going through a surgery of my soul. My mind, my will, and my emotions. I have changed the core of my being, and when you change the inside, the outside copies it. Sure i'm still the same
guy, the same scar on my forehead, the same green eyes, the same great sense of clothe matching skills. But the thing the drives me has changed, the thing inside me that makes me tick, that is different.
And now as the last week of teaching comes to an end, I understand i'll never be done learning. But now, as I go to Thailand, then home, the change I was searching for in the beginning has finally found me.
God's Peace, Jake
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